


House of Memories

by orphan_account



Category: Panic! at the Disco, The Young Veins, Young Veins
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety!Ryan, Current Ryan, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Halloween, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Platonic Ryan/Jon, Post split, Pre-Fever Era, Ryden, Young Veins Era, longfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-07 06:57:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8788048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Ryan sees Brendon again at Halloween 2016 he combs through all the memories of their past.Will he make the right choice?





	1. Prologue - Calendar Boy

“ _September,_ I’ll light the candles at your sweet sixteen

_October,_ Romeo and Juliet on Halloween

_November,_ I'll give thanks that you belong to me

_December,_ You're the present 'neath my Christmas tr-”

 

_Click._

Silence _._

As it should be.

 

Ryan curled his fingers and tugged the final parts of his wig in place, trying to make the trashy fake blonde look as good as possible beneath a heap of geeky green costume. Taking a final glance in the mirror, reflection staring back, he picked up his keys off the kitchen table. he tried to settle Dottie to sleep on his bed. He didn’t need a dog ravaging his house while he was gone. This was one of the rare times Ryan was going out.

He deserved to come back to a clean house.

 

The car revved to life as he put his keys into the ignition, chrome exterior shining from the light source created within the beast.

 

“Yeah, yeah, my heart's in a whirl

I love, I love, I love my little calendar girl

Every day _every day,_ every day, _every day_ of the year

Every day of the year

I love, I love, I love my calendar girl

Yeah, sweet calendar girl

I love, I love, I love my calendar girl

Yeah, sweet calend- ”

 

_Click._

Silence _._

As it should be.


	2. Chapter 1 - Fun for lost lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I came up with the idea of this chapter from the Halloween picture Ryan posted this year were he was dressed as Link. (his insta is @thisisryanross you should take a look at it.)  
> As such I wrote this chapter (and the prologue) a month ago and have been very worried about posting it (I wanted it to be really good.)   
> I hope you enjoy!

Ryan smoothed the shiny black car into a park, rolling up the windows and grabbing his dumb plastic shield and sword out of the back seat. He was greeted by friendly smiles as he headed through the entrance, he already heard music and even just outside it felt like total social overload.

It always was.

Ryan tried looking for his friends, but, in between being stopped 1000 times and being forced to say:

 “Yes, I’m doing fine,”

 “Things are much better now,”

“Yes! Music IS on the way don’t you worry!”

He decided that maybe his friends simply hadn’t decided to show up, the party was too big to keep looking anyway. 15 minutes is more than enough.

“You gonna post something dude? It’s not every day a Halloween party comes around.”

A girl had started talking to him, a pretty one at that. She had big blue eyes, curly brown hair and a bunch of blue face paint on that gave her an air of mystery beneath the ever-changing crazy coloured lights above them. She was dressed as the Corpse Bride.

“Oh shit yeah, thanks”

Ryan eagerly took his phone out of his green tunic pocket and handed it to the Corpse Bride as she smiled eyeing him through the lens.

“Got it!” She cheerfully handed the phone back with a wide flamboyant smile.

“Thanks” Ryan put the phone away, back in his pocket before turning away and trying to find another corner of the room.

Surely not all parties were _just_ socialising were they? Just talking? Just being nervous and meticulously planning how to introduce yourself?! He didn’t think he could keep much of that up.

He stared at the blinking lights swishing back and forth and the heap of smiling sweaty people encasing him in a wild animalistic smell. The ground vibrated as the bass dropped for the third time. Scanning his eyes through the crowd again searching for his friends he made a definitive decision.

 He definitely could _not_ keep much of that up.

Ryan turned away from the crowd, sword and shield in hand again. He looked for an exit before he turned into a second corridor and came across a ski ball machine to his immediate left.

 

Ski ball, it’d been a long time since he’d played ski ball.

Yes.

A very long time indeed.

 

Still… with its blinking rainbow lights and their childlike inviting atmosphere of innocence and wonder… there was no harm in giving it a try right? _No point in letting the past get you down, right?_ Someone told him that once.

_Yes, yes that had to be right._

It had to be right since someone else told him to do it. Ryan always knew deep down his own choices never did anything right anyway.

That was how the past got created in the first place.

Ryan left his shield and sword leaning on the machine and picked up the ball, grasping it in his sweaty palms checking his technique was right before throwing to forward and into the 100.

“Shit”

He missed.

“Need some help there?”

Ryan jumped, now appearing on edge with a straighter stature and his breath caught in his throat. But, his insides did even more. He could recognise that voice anywhere. He never thought he could get away from it.

It both chased and isolated him simultaneously, his brain being able to create a tone for tone replica despite not having heard it for so long. Taunting him with it because of how it left his reality. Having it brought up again and again. His brain constantly reminding himself of his choices, whether he wanted it brought up or not.

“Nn-No thanks. I’ll be fine.”

Ryan tensed some more and suddenly the room felt a bit too warm as his clothes began to stick to him and his nerves formed a bouncing ball in his stomach as he was faced with the threat of unpredictability. Letting out a short sigh he threw the ball again.

_Clunk_.

That one didn’t even get close.

The man chuckled. “Here, let me help.” The man stepped closer from behind gently grasping Ryan’s arm in his hands, attempting to relax his elbow joint and re-grasp Ryan’s fingers around the ball.

Ryan felt like he was on fire as he bowed his head to get a sinful look at their fingers brushing against each other. The man ghosted his arm brushing up against his back taking control a little and helping him throw.

_Clank._

Perfect shot.

Ryan could feel the man’s breath on his neck as he let go and stepped back, it hung there as a reminder of the past.

He didn’t want it to leave.

“Look at you man! Nice shot.”

“I-uh, thanks. I-I mean, sorry, I, I just don’t get out much”

Ryan felt his breathing quicken and grasped his elbow pulling his throwing arm close to his chest, resisting the urge to look up at the man. He knew he’d undo. Even if he only took his eyes off the ski ball machine.

“Nah it’s all good dude what’s your name?”

_He didn’t remember me. He didn’t remember me! What?! How?! Do I risk it? Should I tell him my name?! What would he do? Would he get mad? Maybe he just didn’t realise it was me? Yes, yes that had to be right. It had to be right, how could he just forget me?_

“You can call me Link.”

Ryan let out a brief smile. _Perfect cover._

“You can call me Victor then.”

The man smiled and stuck out his hand for Ryan to shake to his right, and he did briskly before wiping his hands on the white cloth covering his thighs under the iconic forest green.

“Sorry my hands are so sweaty, it’s really warm in there.”

“Yeah so big Zelda fan huh?”  
Ryan forgot the man could be so talkative, just the man’s presence made almost all of Ryan’s calmness, composure and remnants of social skill spill out of his brain and onto the floor, this new topic of conversation made it even worse. He had big trouble keeping it together. On top of all this. Ryan’s nerves made his throat constrict within his body, making it hard to talk and breathe. _Looking Calm?!_ Out of the question.

 

“Ah-un…”

The man looked stunned for a moment. Did he figure out who he was? Did he make him uncomfortable?! No, nonononono, Ryan can’t have made him uncomfortable, could he? Oh shit. Oh shit! _Shit!_

The man glanced out to the doorway before swallowing and facing Ryan again.

“Know where the bathroom is?”

“Uh-yeah, out through that corridor and to the right”

Ryan released his grip on his arm turning around to point at the corridor he came through careful not to look into the man’s eyes.

Ryan had made him uncomfortable.

And he loathed himself for it.

“See you around”

Ryan’s head drooped as the man walked out footsteps echoing throughout the hallway.

There was his chance, there was his chance and he missed it. He missed it!

He was so pitiable, he even pitied himself at times like this if that was possible.

How dare he even look at their fingers! How dare he crave his touch! How dare he let himself brush up against him!

He knew he shouldn’t be able to have things like that. That he didn’t deserve things like that.

Happiness.

He let his chance for happiness go a long time ago.

“Shit!” Ryan turned around to glare at the ski ball machine, its blinking and flashing neon lights mocking him and his emotions. “Games full of fun for the whole family” it advertised on the side.

_Yeah right._

Ryan slumped down next to the ski ball machine, back lightly touching the wall as he hugged his knees.

Fucking ski ball machine.

The sword and shield fell to the ground with a sharp bang a Ryan started shuddering, tears rolling down his face staining his Link costume.

_I’m a fucking idiot._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed feel free to leave a comment and Kudo! I'm going through other chapters I have meticulously right as your reading this. Please tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 2 - Welcome To The Sound Of The Young Veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... I was supposed to post this on the 15th oops. Also this chapter takes place RIGHT after the BTS of shooting Take A Vacation. AKA This video.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XHJ10bmxd8
> 
> Enjoy.

“Quirky B-roll then?”

Ryan smiled at Jon who was holding the camera in front of him, the car door was open gently letting the summer beach air inside and able to grace his face. The sun beating on the car made Ryan a little hot but he didn’t care

_Things are better now, I can get by like this._

“You doing okay Ry?”

Jon turned the camera off and plopped next to his old bandmate feeling the air brush him too.

“Of course I am. Young Veins is going great.”

“Not what I mean”

“What do you mean then?”

“Don’t play games Ryan, you know what I mean”

“Fine. Fine. I’m okay”

“Okay?”

“… I guess. Well I mean?! Have you ever been through this?!”

“No…I-”

“Well then don’t tell me to get over it!”

Ryan was angry now. Jon had never experienced _true_ love. He had never experienced a relationship like they had. He had no right to tell him what to do. Ryan punched the back of the car seat before falling back into its embrace sullied and hurt. He hated it when people constantly checked on him, made him feel invalid, made him feel like less of a human being, not capable of functioning.

He hated it when anyone _else_ checked on him.

“Ryan I just hate seeing you like this. Ryan! Just-”

“Just what?” Ryan said nonchalantly with a tinge of anger in his voice. Ryan always wanted to appear nonchalant when he was hurt but no matter how hard he tried he never achieved that. He looked at the sky through the sunroof, head tilted upwards so he didn’t have to look at Jon.

“Just. Don’t throw life away Ryan, you have an entire band, an entire following, willing to give you undying love and support. Don’t throw it away. Listen, he means nothing compared to that.”

“What do you know? You never knew him like I did.”

Ryan struggled to keep himself from crying, forcing his eyes wide open and inhaling deeply trying to keep his cool choosing to keep his focus on the grey ceiling of the car.

“Ryan I know, but I know you. I _knew_ you! You were never like this and you don’t deserve to be like this and-”

At that second Ryan broke. stomach folding inwards as he dragged the rest of his torso down. He began to choke back sobs and coat his cheeks in fresh tears.

“Th-three seconds ago we were laughing a-at my bad Jersey accent- God! Wh-what the fuck are we d-doing Jon?! What the fuck?!”  Ryan screamed as he felt his vocal chords and throat tighten from holding back sobs and turned to bury his face and neck in the car seat away from Jon to let them out in a fit. Jon didn’t deserve to see him like this.

He was disgusting.

He bit down on the seat to muffle his sobs and stop himself from crying as he swatted Jon’s arm away.

“You know Ryan; I wasn’t kidding when I said it sucks to see you like this. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be happy.”

Ryan lifted his head.

“No I don’t.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“I hurt him Jon. God, I hurt him- all th-those times. All those times we wrote songs and ate ice-cream. All those times. And-and what did I do? What did I do?! I fucking threw them away! I fucking   threw them away! I fucking threw them- I fucking threw them away!!” Ryan screamed body convulsing as he tried to bury his head deeper into the car seat and pressed his forehead madly against it. Tears rushed down his face as he clutched to the left side of the seat with his arm as he sobbed.

“It’s okay”

“No. No, it’s not. It’s-it’s”

“Shhh… just listen okay”

Ryan nodded silently with a final deep breath as his chaotic breathing calmed. He didn’t want to have to hear himself, didn’t want to have to admit the hurt between him and the other man out into the open, to hear the words come out of his mouth, face the truth.

“I understand you’re hurt right now, and- and! I understand I’ll never be able to feel what you felt back there. But you need to move on. Him doing that. That was shitty man.”

“No it wasn’t! No it wasn’t- It was me I-I-”

Ryan lifted his head off the car seat again. Now feeling the wet stain he’d created he turned to look at Jon.

“It was me Jon. I-I made it happen.”

“Didn’t I tell you to listen. Just- I don’t care who started it. He’s made you this way Ryan. _Him!_ He doesn’t fucking deserve your tears, Ryan, he doesn’t”

“But I- I wish I could- I wish I could-”

“Well you fucking can’t”

Ryan broke their eye contact and looked down staring at his hands in his lap, feeling the sharpness of the sobs rise back up and sting his eyes again as they began to fall off the cliff like structure of his cheeks.

“Ryan look- _shit!_ I’m sorry just- you’re making a bad choice here. Choosing to waste your energy on him. He certainly isn’t.”

“Y-You think so?”

“I _know_ so! If something was up Spence would’ve told me! Listen- I know I’ve been saying that a lot but… But! Look at Brendon! Look at how tha-”

“Don’t mention him.” Ryan’s voice quivered.

“Well, look at him! Look at how that prick keeps on smiling, using the band name as a way to keep making money. He doesn’t care like you do Ryan!”

Ryan knew Jon had to be wrong. _Had to be!_ He saw the hurt on that man’s face, felt the tension in the air. He couldn’t be smiling?! Could he?

“Ryan… this-this argument. It’s not worth it. You know it. And you know we have to be back out there to go to Buongirono’s at 5, so you know you have to wipe up your tears and act like none of it ever happened. Take a lesson: There’s no point in letting the past get you down. Because there’s a life beyond him and you’re living it right now. You’re breathing it in and making it this moment. You wanna spend the rest of your life without Brendon crying?! Stop making the wrong choice.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. But now it’s time to stop being sorry and start being happy. Things change Ryan but I know you can push through.”

 

Ryan sat up, pulling the glove compartment forward to grab some tissues, he couldn’t find any. He decided to use Wet Ones instead, they seemed unusually dry.

Ryan didn’t know if Jon was right or not, but he agreed that his tears needed to be dry for Andy and the Nick duo (as they were so often called.)

Ryan pulled a few out hearing their plastic prison rustle beneath his touch.

“You okay?”

“Yeah”

The door opened and shut with a loud bang as Jon left and Ryan dried up his tears. Maybe he _did_ need to push through. Maybe there _was_ no point in letting the past get him down. Not when The Young Veins had so much work to do.

Ryan eyed himself in the rear view mirror and tilted it towards him. His eyes weren’t red and he didn’t feel like crying anymore.

_Smile Ryan._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my favourite thing out of what I've written so far tbh. I'm like low-key proud


	4. Chapter 3 - The Morning After

Ryan awoke in his bed sun hitting his eyes as he turned to feel a sticky note on his forehead.

“Looked pretty wiped last night, decided to drive you home – Adam.”

_Adam?_ The party. He’d met- He’d met him! Oh God! _Oh dear god!_

“Dottie?” Ryan called, wig sliding off his head.

The dog ran to him happily. Her weight brought the bed ever-so-slightly closer to the floor.

“We have to do something very special today.”

Ryan stripped.

Ryan stripped taking off every piece of costume he had on and clutched all the pieces in his arms. Down to his undershirt and boxers, he ran outside; Dottie trailed behind him.

The air stung his pale exposed skin but he couldn’t care less as he dropped the costume and fashioned small fallen branches and logs from his backyard into a makeshift bonfire.

Something he hadn’t felt he needed to do in a long time.

“Paper, Paper. Shit!”

Ryan ran inside grabbing his notebook and lighter in his hands before tearing two blank pages out.

“Careful with this Dottie.”

Ryan dropped his lighter by his dog for her to protect and guard before scrunching the pieces of paper into two individual balls and tossing them in and lighting them afterwards to get the fire going.

First the wig danced with bright orange flames, then the hat, the tunic, the satchel, the undershirt and then the boots as he tossed them in one by one.

_Much better._

Didn’t need them anyway.

Ryan watched the slowly rising sun as a chill walked up his spine. He was too cold now.

Ryan walked inside and threw the now closed lighter onto the kitchen table before picking up a woollen jumper draped over one of the chairs. The chance was too good.

He had to write.

Heading deeper into the labyrinth of his house he swiped up the sword and shield along with a pen cradling them in one arm and hand as he walked back out to the bonfire.

They landed with a thud next to his notebook as he pulled the knitted form of modesty over his head and arms.

“You think we could run the world with just this bonfire and small shield Dottie? Throw whatever bad memories we encounter into the fire and watch them burn?”

 Sitting down, Ryan tapped his fingers along the plastic grey blade as he stared at the familiar colours painted on the hilt in their signature design.

_The Hero of Time_

Ryan wished he could be that too. He wished he could be the hero of many things.

Dottie looked at him with inquisitive eyes. She had no idea what “running the world” was but it sounded exciting enough because it sounded close to walks and walks with Ryan were the best thing in the world. She jumped on top of Ryan’s lap to be met with a playful glare.

“Not now Dottie, I need to write”

She was gently put aside before Ryan grabbed the Hyllian shield into his lap. He breathed in the morning air and the coolness of the grass prickling his legs gently as he stared into the slowly dwindling flames.

_Footsteps, left by me sand and sea_

_But little sea star you can’t see_

_What’s left of me._

 

_Black ink sinks into my skin as seconds pass._

_I wish you were here I was sure it would last._

 

_Little sea star by the sea, would you like to see how you’ve ruined me?_

_Made the ink flow free_

_How you’ve ruined me._

_But you can’t see_

_See what’s left of me_

_‘cause your cast out to sea_

 

_I hope the reef is fun._

_‘Cause baby darling dry land’s no fun._

_I wanna see your smile ‘neath my face_

_As your sunlight rises in place._

_But we made this ink spill together, we traded places, and as much as I’d like to I can’t take it._

_I can’t take it._

 

_Little sea star by the sea, would you like to see how you ruined me?_

_Made the ink flow free._

_Maybe even reach you out to sea_

_Footsteps, left by me sand and sea_

_But little sea star you can’t see_

_What’s left of me._

 

 

Ryan looked at his words scribbled on the page. He curled his fingers around the top edge tearing it out before hesitating.

_Did he want to let this memory go like the rest of them?_

No.

No, he didn’t. Perhaps that’d be one of the best choices he’d ever make.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics are my own original lyrics so please don't steal them.


End file.
